After a request for an update, I logged back into my old blog to write one more post. I found myself rereading some of my old posts and I realized that first, two years ago tomorrow I found out I was pregnant with my children, which is crazy because it seems so long ago, and second, I don’t really think about all of the thoughts and feelings I shared in this blog anymore, but when I do, it all comes back fast and strong, and it’s like I travel back in time into that girl’s mind and heart. It. was. so. hard. While I don’t think about the fertility process very often, I do think almost every single day about my lost babies and the fact that my two girls here with me are absolute miracles.
I am still a part of a pregnancy loss group on Facebook, and I actually just came across a quote that struck me the day before I saw the request for an update, so I feel like I’m meant to share it here because someone out there needs to hear it too. Here’s the whole post…http://killingjunecleaver.blogspot.com/2015/02/tough-stuff-secret-moms-club.html?spref=fb…but at the end the writer says, “It is pretty special to be a mother to angels” and I started to cry because I realized that we have a choice to view our losses this way…and I’m going to do just that from now on.
Looking back, there are so many things I learned about myself and about life from my journey to having my girls. The greatest lesson for me though, was that anything is possible. There were so many times that I felt so sure I would never have a healthy baby. Today both of my girls are healthy and happy and walking reminders that the impossible is possible. Concrete proof of that fact makes life a lot less scary. So when people say that the heartache and fear you’re feeling now make you stronger, it is actually true. When you’re on the other side, you will be invincible because you will know firsthand that you can survive, feel happiness again, and always have hope that miracles are in store for you when you feel like all hope is lost. I am grateful to carry with me now the perspective that when I am in the depths of despair, I will rise again. There is a miracle waiting around the corner that is even better than you dreamed it could be, and I promise it is worth the wait!!!