The impossible is possible.
After a request for an update, I logged back into my old blog to write one more post. I found myself rereading some of my old posts and I realized that first, two years ago tomorrow I found out I was pregnant with my children, which is crazy because it seems so long ago, and second, I don’t really think about all of the thoughts and feelings I shared in this blog anymore, but when I do, it all comes back fast and strong, and it’s like I travel back in time into that girl’s mind and heart. It. was. so. hard. While I don’t think about the fertility process very often, I do think almost every single day about my lost babies and the fact that my two girls here with me are absolute miracles.
I am still a part of a pregnancy loss group on Facebook, and I actually just came across a quote that struck me the day before I saw the request for an update, so I feel like I’m meant to share it here because someone out there needs to hear it too. Here’s the whole post…http://killingjunecleaver.blogspot.com/2015/02/tough-stuff-secret-moms-club.html?spref=fb…but at the end the writer says, “It is pretty special to be a mother to angels” and I started to cry because I realized that we have a choice to view our losses this way…and I’m going to do just that from now on.
Looking back, there are so many things I learned about myself and about life from my journey to having my girls. The greatest lesson for me though, was that anything is possible. There were so many times that I felt so sure I would never have a healthy baby. Today both of my girls are healthy and happy and walking reminders that the impossible is possible. Concrete proof of that fact makes life a lot less scary. So when people say that the heartache and fear you’re feeling now make you stronger, it is actually true. When you’re on the other side, you will be invincible because you will know firsthand that you can survive, feel happiness again, and always have hope that miracles are in store for you when you feel like all hope is lost. I am grateful to carry with me now the perspective that when I am in the depths of despair, I will rise again. There is a miracle waiting around the corner that is even better than you dreamed it could be, and I promise it is worth the wait!!!
This is the post that I dreamed about writing one day…
I am beyond thrilled to announce that my baby girls were born at 34 weeks 5 days, on September 27, 2013.
The past month has been everything I wished for and more. I have heard that it can take time to bond with your babies after they are born, but when my oldest daughter was put in my arms for the first time, I fell instantly in love. The same thing happened three hours later when my second daughter finally made her appearance. I will never forget those moments.
At least once a day my husband and I look at each other and say that we can’t believe they are actually here! Only now, after 4 weeks, is it starting to sink in that they are here and healthy. I still can’t believe however, that these miracles are mine and that we get to keep them. I think often of our other babies in heaven. If anything, when I look at my girls, I wonder what our other babies would have been like. We’ll know one day, and until then, I will focus on the happiness these babies have brought to me. I have truly never been this happy or this grateful.
For those of you still on the journey, hold on tight to any hope you can find every single day and know that the moment you hold your baby, it will be more than worth the wait.
Here is our little GIRL, formerly known as Baby A! 🙂
(Note: Baby B photobombed with a little foot in the background. 😉 )
Here is our other little GIRL, formerly known as Baby B! 🙂
Even though my pregnancy seems to be progressing well so far, and I woke up to Happy Mother’s Day flowers from my husband, it doesn’t feel like this day has anything to do with me since I don’t have a child in my arms.
I read this blog entry on Mother’s Day last year, and I found that it helped me get through a rough Mother’s Day when I didn’t believe I’d ever have a viable pregnancy and I was missing the babies I had already lost…
Happy Mother’s Day to every woman with a mother’s heart!
I had left a message with the CCRM Business Office a couple of weeks ago, after I graduated, to follow up on my credit balance with them, but I never got a call back, so I called again today. I guess I assumed the business office would automatically process our refund after they received payment from our insurance for our transfer costs and I graduated. In actuality, we need to follow up with them when our care is complete in order to get our refund check. So for the first time, I can expect a check in the mail by the end of next week FROM CCRM for a couple of thousand dollars (about half being the original deposit we put down at our ODWU, which feels like forever ago, by the way!)
After I just hung up the phone, I thought to myself, will I ever type CCRM into the contacts section of my phone again? Is the CCRM chapter of my life really over? I called the general number and listened to the menu before getting the extension for the business office. It was so weird to remember calling to get the prompt for new patients or current patients scheduling appointments – what a road it has been! I can’t help but say a prayer for everyone starting out their journey at CCRM now. I hope for them to feel mostly hope and excitement, because now that I feel like I’m on the other side, my brain has dulled the scary and painful memories, and I remember CCRM only as a place where miracles are made!
Yesterday morning I woke up feeling horrible. I had a headache for 2 days, which I just thought was due to normal pregnancy hormone issues. I have had two other incidences of migraine headaches this pregnancy. I have never had a migraine before and I will say I feel horrible for anyone who deals with these in non-pregnant life – no fun at all! Both times, the headache felt better after I threw up, but this weekend, the headache would not go away. I called the doctor who actually told me to drink some caffeine and take tylenol. Then, this morning in addition to the headache that would not go away, I thought my morning sickness was back as I felt pretty queasy for a couple of hours. By nighttime, I started to feel feverish and achey. After 24 hours of not keeping anything down, I called the doctor again and was told to come into the Labor and Delivery Triage unit in the hospital. Once there, the doctor decided I probably had a stomach virus, and I needed IV fluids since I was pretty dehydrated. After a couple of hours, and once I could keep down some ginger ale and crackers, I was free to go home. As we walked out of the hospital, I said that I hope we don’t need to be back there until the babies come in five months. Fingers crossed that we have smooth sailing from here on out!
Today was our NT scan, and man, was it cool! My husband couldn’t come to the appointment because of work, so my mom came with me, which made it extra fun. The twins are looking more and more like actual people every time I see them. It is amazing to see how fast a person can be made. Now, I know, I still have 2 trimesters to go, but when you see each plate of the babies’ spines and the 2 hemispheres of the babies’ brains, you can’t help but be amazed that this ever happens for anybody, much less somebody who sought out medical intervention to make it happen.
The part of the babies’ necks that are measured during this ultrasound to screen for genetic disorders, came back with a measurement of 2.1 for each of the babies. Once my blood work from today comes back, they calculate the odds of one of the babies having a genetic problem using some kind of algorithm, although the calculation is evidently less reliable for twins since you don’t know what parts of the blood sample are attributed to me, Baby A, and Baby B. I’m not that worried about the results from today because we did CCS, but since there is a chance the CCS results are wrong and I was able to have another long ultrasound, I decided to do today’s testing anyway.
Update: My doctor called one week after this ultrasound to tell us that with our blood work results, our odds of having a baby with one of the genetic disorders they screened for was 1/900 instead of the typical 1/450 for my age group. We will do further testing at my next appointment.
As of today, Baby A measured 13w5d and Baby B measured 13w2d, which is exactly where I am today. Baby A had a heart rate of 161 and Baby B had a heart rate of 155. I was told all of these numbers look good!
We still haven’t been able to hear the babies’ heartbeats, but I have gotten pretty good at spotting them right away on the ultrasound, which always relaxes me right away for the rest of the scan. 🙂
Today is the day!
I know I have said these words so many times over the past year, but today is yet another notable day in the journey. Around 11AM, my mom said to me, “you seem pretty energetic today,” and I thought, “Wait a second, I don’t feel sick!” It’s like all of a sudden my morning sickness is gone, and I feel like I can do something today. I promised never to complain about morning sickness if I was lucky enough to get to the point of feeling it, and I definitely spent many days praying it would hit so that I knew my pregnancy would last, but I will admit here that I did complain…more than once. 😦 I’m not proud of it. To feel sick every day for 7 weeks and to start forgetting what normal feels like can be hard, but nothing is as hard as morning sickness going away because your baby is gone or never feeling morning sickness because the transfer didn’t work out.
I will try to be better from now on. I know that this is not the end of the uncomfortable parts of pregnancy, so though I have fallen off the wagon, I will get back on and try to remember every second that I have nothing to complain about.
Today I received THE call. Looking back over the past 8 months there have been quite a few of THE calls: the first call for our phone consultation with Dr. S., the call giving the all clear to start stims, the call giving us our trigger shot directions, the call to report our 1st beta, our 2nd beta, and now today, the call that I’ve finally graduated from CCRM!
I actually weaned off all of my medication last weekend and went in this past Monday to confirm my levels were fine without supplementation, but that afternoon the nurse told me that I needed to go back on one progesterone suppository for three more nights to get my progesterone level a bit higher. It had dropped down to 15.9, and they want in the 20s once you’re off all meds. Alas, here I am, by Friday, I’m a graduate!
It felt so weird to end the conversation with the nurse. Since I have not dealt with my original nurse since our trip to Denver for the transfer, I was not as emotional as I probably would have been had she called me. Every other phone conversation ended with directions for our next steps, but the only direction the nurse gave me this time was to send pictures when the babies are born! What?!?! The next step, as far as they are concerned, are babies being born!
I can’t wait!
I can’t believe we’ve made it ten weeks! I took off my last Vivelle patch this morning and I’m now down to one Estrace pill, 2 Endometrin suppositories, a baby aspirin, and my prenatal vitamins each day.
I admitted to my sister the other day that I never really thought this was going happen, and I was sure that unshakeable belief alone could prevent it from happening. Now I’m wondering if there really wasn’t anything I could have done or not done to make or break this. Maybe it really was meant to be this way.
I had my first regular OB appointment last week. I wanted a fresh start at a new doctor and with a new practice and so far, I am so happy with my choice. The weirdest moment of my appointment was when the doctor clarified that this is my fifth pregnancy. I hadn’t thought of this pregnancy that way before. It kind of blows my mind how much we’ve been through already. The obvious highlight of the appointment was seeing the babies again. It helps me breathe easier for a couple of days whenever I see them. They are looking more like real people now, and I love to see them wave their little arms and legs at me.
It has been reassuring to be feeling icky every day for weeks now. I have only actually thrown up three times, and luckily never at work. Tomorrow I go back to school though after a 12 day spring break, so we’ll see what happens. I have finally learned that the nausea arsenal that works for me includes lemonade, potato chips, and spearmint gum. I’m hoping that at least gets me through the school days until I get home.
While some days I feel so bad and I think I can’t take another day of nausea, I remind myself that every minute I feel sick is another minute longer that my babies are alive inside me. When I think of it that way, that I’m keeping them alive, then I know I can do anything.